MY ONE-LINERS

GARDNER SPEAKS

g d 36

We would have been friends if we didn’t hate each other.

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s a 3

You’re okay if you adjust your expectations to your environment.

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ny stories 4

If only I’d noticed this when I was younger.

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e t 40

After I saw a man at a urinal talking to his dick in a foreign language, I realized he was speaking on his phone.

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bear sh in woods

I wish they’d think of another example of the intrinsically obvious.

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c r 1

When the director said, “Flex to show your muscle,” I didn’t tell him I already was.


Success off-off-Broadway meant that the stairway leading to the space you were performing in didn’t small of urine.


Much of the music of the early centuries of classical music is boring because it wasn’t meant for listening – not as we do, in recordings or sitting in a concert hall – but was played while people were doing other things, like dancing, praying, shmoozing…

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One comment

  1. excellent. p

    >

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