AT THE LICENSE PLATE BUREAU – Short Play

CAST

Woman 1

Woman 2

Man 1

Man 2

SETTING

A government office. Sign on the wall: LICENSE PLATE APPLICATIONS

(Woman 1 is behind the counter. Man 1 enters.)

WOMAN 1

Can I help you, sir?

MAN l

I’m here to lodge a protest.

WOMAN 1

Yes?

MAN 1

(showing her a letter)

It says here I was denied my special license plates. I asked for plates with my last name on them, and you people denied it.

WOMAN 1

Well, we have to look closely before we issue special license plates, sir. We have to make sure they don’t say anything unseemly. Once a college student asked for plates that said 2Q + 2Q.

MAN 1

So?

WOMAN 1

Well, 2Q + 2Q adds up to something unseemly, sir.

MAN l

(impatiently)

What? Adds up to what?

WOMAN 1

4Q, sir.

MAN 1

I didn’t come here for no abuse, Miss. I just want my plates.

WOMAN 1

4Q, sir, is what it adds up to. You’ll have to speak with the manager. He’ll be here in a few minutes.

MAN 1

I just want my name on my plates.

WOMAN 1

Yes, sir. Let me take your name, sir. Last name?

MAN 1

Wiseass.

WOMAN 1

No, sir. I’m just trying to take down your name.

MAN 1

It’s Wiseass. My name is Michael Wiseass.

WOMAN 1

You have my sympathy, sir.

(Matter-of-factly)

That’s what you want on your plates?

MAN 1

Sure. It’s my name. I got a right.

WOMAN 1

Very well. It’ll just be a minute, Mr. Wiseass.

(Woman 2 enters.)

Yes. ma’am? How can I help you?

WOMAN 2

I wish to complain.

WOMAN 1

Be my guest.

WOMAN 2

I received this letter which states I cannot have my name on my license plates.

WOMAN 1

Well, you can discuss that with the manager. What is your name, please?

WOMAN 2

Pissoff.

WOMAN 1

P-I-S- . . . .

WOMAN 2

S-O-F-F.

WOMAN 1

That’s Miss . . . ?

WOMAN 2

No: Mrs.–Mrs. Pissoff. Where is the manager?

WOMAN 1

He won’t be long—oh, there he is now.

MAN 2

(entering)

Hello, Ms. Jones. Is anyone waiting to see me?

WOMAN 1

Yes, sir. Mr. Wiseass and Mrs. Pissoff. They want their last names on their license plates.

MAN 2

(looking at papers)

Oh, I see. Well . . . . Yes . . . . Well, I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

(Initials the forms.)

Go ahead and process them, Ms. Jones.

WOMAN 1

Anything you say, Mr. Hogvomit. You’re the boss.

(Blackout.)

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